People with narcissistic traits are not necessarily narcissists. So, before you say with conviction "Help! My partner is a narcissist!" it is helpful to understand that narcissists are suffering from a diagnosable, mental health condition. They will have certain behaviours such as an inflated sense of their unique self, grandiosity. fantasising over achieving boundless success, a total lack of empathy and constant need for acknowledgment and admiration.
Either way, it's a challenge trying to maintain a relationship with someone who isn't necessarily a diagnosed narcissist, but someone who displays narcissist behaviour.
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You are being talked down to and treated like a child
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Your partner is sociable and charismatic with anyone else but you (apart from when your relationship is new)
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Your partner will blame you or others for their mistakes
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You may be called names and verbally abused
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Your opinion or any criticism won't be accepted
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You may be drawn into triangulation (your partner engages a third party to support their version of things)
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Your goalposts for gaining affection will continually shift
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Your partner will hold a grudge and seek revenge if you go against them
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Your partner may gaslight you (falsifying their account of events to throw doubt on your recollect)
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You will constantly be admiring and bolstering your partners ego
You may eventually be isolated and cut off from any outside support
Narcissistic behaviour is abuse and there is no doubt that it only gets worse if you stay around to allow it to continue. This isn't to say that the abuser is the stronger or more intelligent one. It is a control thing whereby the abuser gains strength from using coercive control and manipulative behaviour.
Case study
Dr. K is a successful clinician who had her life at her feet. She is known for her empathetic manner and clinical experience as a paediatrician. She was approaching 40 years of age when she started dating online. She was so happy when she met a handsome, well groomed, personable man. He was fun to be, showered her with attention and gifts. She and Oscar (not his real name) started dating and she felt she had won the jackpot.
She didn't overly question why this man had a string of failed relationships, all of which he blamed on his ex partners. He said that they didn't understand him or support his dreams to become an amazing entrepreneur. He claimed that he lived in his modest, shared flat so as to give his ex partner a good payoff.
Dating led to living together, at which point, there was a shift in relationship dynamics. K would come home from a long shift to find Oscar video calling his female friends, glass of wine in hand and dressed to impress. He would dismiss K's questions as trivial and say that she was imagining stuff. He started to tell her that she used to be fun and that he felt she didn't love him enough.
So started K's slide into being the victim of Oscars narcissistic behaviour.
When they had been together for a few years, K realised that this was not the relationship she had craved, but she now felt ashamed. She felt ashamed that she was allowing this man to control her and belittle her. So, she didn't seek help until he started antagonising her and then filming her rage as she responded. She felt out of control while he had manipulated all of the control.
One day I got a call from a women who was sobbing and saying she needed to talk. She had read about other people showing signs of Oscars behaviour and simply said "Help! My partner is a narcissist."
The realisation had dawned on her that nothing she did would improve things with this man. In fact, my mission was to work with her and enable her to rejuvenate her self belief.
We worked through:
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How she came to believe that his version of her was the true version.
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How she allowed this behaviour to continue (contentious but there is a choice there, however bad the choice is)
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What values drive her forward
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What boundaries would she like to put in place
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How she is going to practice self care in her life from now
The person with narcissistic traits will see themselves as number 1, but that is fragile as it relies on having a number 2 or 3 or more.
If you think that your partner is a narcissist, talk to someone and explore how you can build up your own self belief system. Remember, this isn't about the other person, this is about you
How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you Rupi Kaur