The problem with death is that it can be used to airbrush or even wipe out the behaviour of the deceased. Conversely, if things haven't been good, doesn't do much to help the bereft in trying to process what has happened. Those who are left behind can be struggling years later, with their emotional fallout.
The funeral is not widely considered the place to speak your truth either. Few would have the courage to flout these deeply held beliefs about showing respect for those who are no longer with us.
We are told that "it's disrespectful to speak ill of the dead" or "At least you have closure now." or even "it doesn't matter, they're gone now."
Well, you know what? it does matter, it really does!
- How about the zero respect shown for the wife who's husband had carried on with his love affairs throughout their marriage?
- How about the feelings hanging around for the woman who was bullied and abused by her partner?
- What familial support was present when the man lost his family home through his gambling habit?
- Where does the resentment go after caring thanklessly for a dying spouse?
- How do you reconcile the benevolent persona with the parent who failed to support you throughout your childhood?
- Where do you park your grief hangover?
Listening to the eulogy about one guy was like listening to a tale about someone completely different to the person we'd known. The mourners looked quizzically at each other as the vicar talked about some of the virtues of the deceased. I had known this chap for almost 50 years yet I didn't relate to what I was hearing. I heard a gentle sigh from one of the relatives who chose to attend, a sigh which was filled with unspoken emotion. There were a few people who stayed away and made their point by doing so.
One of the best eulogies I had the pleasure of hearing was made by a lady I had coached, about her alcoholic husband. She had come to terms with his life, his death and her life. In doing this she had found her peace. She stood at the lectern and said "People said he was a bastard and yes, he could be a bastard! But he was my bastard and I loved him! RIP my love" Extraordinary and so moving!
Bereavement and loss coaching will bring you the relief which will have eluded you for some time. It is not about going backwards, much more about moving forwards.
You will be encouraged to talk your mind, to get it all out and then we work out how you would like your life to be now.
What part do you play in your own life?
What do you want now?
What don't you want now?
How are you going to get it?
What will help you?
What will trip you up?
What is stopping you now?
My late husband passed away in 2010 and I was weighed down by a massive crock of negativity. Discovering NLP Coaching, Hypnotherapy and Time Line Therapy was the turning point of my life. Learning how to get to the place I'd dreamt about came into view. All I had to do was to learn how to clear out my cache of the stuff which was holding me hostage in my misery.
Today I have forgiven him, forgiven myself, forgiven his addiction tribe buddies and now I have the most incredible life imaginable! I am blissfully married to my soul mate every day is the day I choose it to be.
"I don't think that understanding produces change. Learning produces change."
Richard Bandler (NLP co-creator)
Bereavement and loss coaching will bring you the learning which will help you to clear to your cache of the stuff holding you hostage.