How do you tell whether your personal partnership is turning into a project? You enter into a relationship with an idea of how you will treat someone and how you would like to be treated. However, what are the signs that the partnership isn't working out as you hoped?
So what does a partnership look like?
When your partner is a partner.
- Trust - is built over time as you learn how much your partner will be there for you. Building trust relies on talking openly to each other and feeling secure within this communication.
- Values & Beliefs - respecting each others values and beliefs within a partnership is huge. While you don't have to share exactly the same values and beliefs with your partnership, it is super important to respect that you both have them. eg. One of you may be religious and one might not.
- Support - is vital and in so many ways. Simply knowing that your partner is your cheerleader, can massively enhance your sense of self belief.
- Love & Friendship - adds humour, fun, joy and shared experiences which are so beneficial to your partnership.
- Well-being - can be hugely impacted by a good partnership.
- Intimacy - however this is for you, intimacy within your partnership can bring you closer as you let go of inhibitions and enjoy the moment with a partner you trust.
This all takes time, patience and practice to build into your ideal partnership. Mutual respect is a non negotiable and must be there from the start of any partnership. Being able to explore your own ideals while caring for your partners ideals is a work in progress. The rewards can be huge and gives you, your very best experience of a great partnership.
You can't have it all our own way though can you? Sometimes things go wrong and you can end up having a wobble within your partnership. Wobbles are normal but what happens when this isn't just another wobble and it seems all give and no take?
When your partner is a project.
Look out for these red flags. They may not all present themselves at once, but they can creep up on you.
- Trust- you sense a lack of trust and honesty. You may be being cheated on or lied to.
- Behaviour - your partners behaviour becomes unacceptable. An, all too common example of this, is controlling and coercive behaviour. Your values and beliefs are being trashed and you aren't being seen as an equal.
- Isolation - at first, you may not notice, but you realise you are being separated from your family and friends. A partner will want you to have your network. A 'project' will want you to stay on side to support them and not risk being influenced by your network.
- Boundaries - your boundaries are not being respected. You will notice an unwillingness to talk or to compromise and you will be expected to accept that your personal boundaries are worthless.
- Abuse - this is more common than people realise and it affects every walk of life. When your partner is a project, they may resort to abuse as a way to keep you in line.
So how do you navigate the way ahead, when your partner is a project?
- Understand yourself - this is massively important. Trying to understand your partner is secondary to you understanding yourself. Dig deep into how this relationship is affecting you and in what way. Don't be afraid to explore how your boundaries are being disrespected
- Communicate - aim for a clear, calm conversation about how you feel their behaviour is affecting you.
- Boundaries - should be set and clearly defined. Calmly lay out what you are and are not prepared to tolerate. There is not one size fits all for this. When you've firmly set yours down, stick to them!
- Assess - think about what the relationship brings you and what you are prepared to invest too.
- Self care - look after yourself. Widening your social circle can really help with feeling isolated.
- Support - family and friends can be really supportive. Be mindful to keep boundaries with them too! Advice can be helpful but it can be subjective too. Remember this is your journey not theirs.
- External support - coaching can really help you to manage your relationship, when your partner is a project. Good coaching offers you to the opportunity to dig deep into what you really want, or don't want from the relationship. If you feel unsafe within the partnership, don't stay silent. You can get help from trusted sources such as the police.
"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone" Robin Williams