Jules' journal

How Can I Get Rid Of My Stress?

Wed, 19 Oct 2022 00:00:00 +0000

How can I get rid of my stress?

Where do you go when you're feeling under pressure and stressed? Even the calmest of lives can bring about feelings of stress and you've probably asked yourself, more than once, "How can I get rid of my stress?"

Richard Bandler, co founder of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) on being asked what he thought about stress management.

"I think stressing the management is a good idea. The first thing for people to realise is that stress doesn't exist, it isn't a thing or a virus, you can't catch it! It's simply when the world doesn't do what you want it to do and the world has a habit of doing that."

A visit to your doctor may get you some prescribed medication. You may have used the online Mood Self Assessment questionnaire to reach for help too.

NHS UK stress self assessment quiz.

This assessment, while useful, will probably confirm what you know already! You know you are feeling stressed and struggling with negative thoughts and emotions. The symptoms are draining and can interfere with every part of your life. It is not unusual to struggle with one or more of these symptoms and if you're really unlucky, they will all play havoc with your life.

Feeling anxious, nervous and withdrawn
Trying to hold everything together in your career and at home
Experiencing low mood and feeling tearful
Struggling with concentration, forgetfulness or indecision
Suffering from fatigue and sleeplessness
Not eating properly - overeating or undereating
Increasing alcohol intake or recreational drug use
Not enjoying sex and intimacy with a partner

If any of these ‘downers’ resonate with you, isn't it time for change?

Of course, there can be physical symptoms attached to stress, which should be checked out by your doctor first. This will rule out any underlying health conditions which may need medical treatment.

Muscular tension
Headaches
Gut symptoms such as acid reflux, pain, constipation or diarrhoea
Increased blood pressure and heart rate
Palpitations or abnormal heartbeat or rhythm
Sweating
Dry mouth
Lowered immunity, infection, skin rash
Lack of libido

So, you’ve ruled out anything which may need medical intervention. Now where do you go if you’re feeling overwhelmed and life just feels like a struggle?

It doesn’t have to be this way!

Did you know there is another way to effectively combat stuff which gets in the way of living your best life? Partnering with a reputable life coach can change your mindset forever.

My private life coaching practice is the perfect space to create the best stress blaster package for you, either in person or online.

You will have the opportunity to discuss your wants and needs as we work together to create your way forwards. Imagine the relief when you can download everything which is causing you stress!

Now you’ve decided to do it, you’ll feel instantly lighter. What’s not to like?

Who are my stress blasters suitable for?

You are an adult who has had enough of living with stress
You want to work with an accredited Master Coach
You are ready to invest in yourself to achieve a guaranteed mind set change
You are able to reach me in Salisbury either in person or online (I can travel to you too!)
You are ready to step into your new life

Who won’t benefit from my stress management packages?

You haven’t had enough of feeling stressed each day
You don’t see value in mastering your mindset
You have decided that the investment isn’t right for you
You aren’t ready to step into your new life

When you’ve reached your tipping point, let's talk!

Time Line Therapy®️

Mon, 16 May 2022 00:00:00 +0000

Sitting alone in a Mallorcan hotel bar, sipping on a gin and tonic presented an impromptu moment to do a life audit.

My late husband had passed away after a long illness, leaving me a whopping £100,000 in debt and I had taken a couple of weeks out of a busy career to think about what I was going to do next.

Writing can be cathartic and so it seemed a good idea to write a pros and cons list about my life. The tattered jotter in my bag would do nicely for this.

Grabbing a pen from the bar, I started to write. Slowly at first and almost apologetically for some of my more resentful thoughts.

As the words flowed, I realised that my pros list was completely dwarfed by the cons. I can honestly say that I have never felt so resentful or so utterly lonely in my life.

What I didn't realise then, was that this cons list represented a near perfect template for the wonderful Time Line Therapy™️! All of these negatives emotions crashing around in your head is enough to bring anyone down.

WHAT ARE YOUR NEGATIVE EMOTIONS TIED UP WITH?

Anger - As my mind drifted back over what I’d put up with in life, I felt absolutely furious with myself. Despite working so hard and paying bills on time, the debts were there in black and white.
Sadness - The memories of my late husband's final moments on earth engulfed me in a wave of misery. I felt despair too that I had never managed to create a normal life.
Fear - Thinking back to events when I was absolutely terrified were, even now, making me quake. Fear of the future as a widow, deeply in debt, made me break out in a cold sweat.
Hurt - My loyalty to my late husband had been continually exploited. I was also carrying a bag of hurt around the lack of support I felt I'd had from other people. Disappointment in fellow humans was a daily occurrence in my world!
Guilt - Despite all of the negative stuff I felt I'd endured, I still felt an unbearable amount of guilt. Guilt that my children had grown up with so much chaos in their lives. Guilt that the man I’d known from childhood had suffered mental illness and chronic addiction without me being able to sort it out.
Self belief - It goes without saying that all of the above will absolutely trash your sense of self belief. Mine was royally trashed! In fact, I believed that I had nothing to look forward to apart from a heap of debt and loneliness. In short I was a failure.

Opening my mind to letting go of negative emotions was the turning point in my life! Discovering NLP Time Line Therapy was the best gift I ever gave to myself.

Time Line Therapy®️is probably the most powerful yet gentle of all NLP techniques. It combines a perfect blend of a calm hypnotic approach with guided questions to bring about a complete mindset change.

TIME LINE THERAPY® CHEAT SHEET

How have your negative emotions got in the way of your life?
How much do you want to be free of unwarranted ANGER SADNESS FEAR HURT AND GUILT?
What would it mean for you to ditch all of those crushing beliefs which are holding you back?
How quickly do you want you can get rid of negative stuff you’ve collected throughout your life?

12 years on from that pivotal moment, I have completely turned my life around. As a Master Practitioner in Time Line Therapy®️I will guide you gently along your Time Line and out into the future you want to create.

Jules x

How to Supercharge your Self Belief System

Wed, 08 Jun 2022 00:00:00 +0000

How to Supercharge your Self Belief System

NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) is described by Richard Bandler, its co creator, as simply “an instruction or owners manual for the mind”. If your mind is telling you stuff which holds you back from enjoying your best life, try this simple NLP technique for outstanding results!

I always believed that I was rubbish at gymnastics, particularly jumping. I get that this isn’t life changing, but it’s still a real block to my confidence and self belief, when it comes to keeping fit in a class of millennials.

Since becoming an NLP practitioner, I have mastered so much more of my mindset than ever before. The ‘jumping’ thing seemed to hang around though! For jumping, you can insert an infinite number of mindset blocks.

I am not successful enough
My body isn't great
I can't form a rewarding relationship
I don't earn as much money as I'd like
I can't make presentations, speak in public

Where did these beliefs come from and what purpose do they serve? DO YOU WANT TO KEEP THEM OR GET RID OF THEM?

If you want to ditch them, read on.

How to Supercharge your Self Belief System

Jot down the following:

Identify what you see as blocking your preferred way of being, doing or having something.
What is going on inside your head and how does it make you feel?
What evidence have you gathered to support your block? (Spoiler alert, you will have loads!)
How does your self talk sound when you play it back?
What benefits are there to holding onto your block?
What are the benefits to letting go of it?

It is time to open your personal owners manual for the mind and get to work!

Revisit your Data Storage (crap stuff first!)

You are probably basing your current thoughts about yourself on out of date information. If your initial confidence kicker was drilled into your head as a kid, what is it doing there now?
Associate into that confidence kicker once more and consider all that was relevant then.
Bring that forward to now and associate into how ridiculous it would be for you to be stuck in the rest of the picture you’ve built!
Note the self-talk you’re using when you think about your block.

The good stuff comes next!

When was your amazing time? That time when the stars collided and you felt absolutely the best?
Recall in detail all of those lovely sights, sounds and feelings.
Tastes and smells can be really evocative too!
Don’t skimp on this bit, it forms a HUGE but previously neglected part of the information in your owner's manual.
What are you going to do with all of this incredible stuff?

You have two memory barcodes which feel equally compelling. Which one do you want to keep?

❌Are you happy keeping hold of your negative memory? OR

✅Are you ready to learn how to supercharge your self belief system?

BRING TO MIND YOUR :( MEMORY AND BUILD YOUR PICTURE. THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU'LL REMEMBER IT THIS WAY.

CLEAR YOUR MIND

BRING TO MIND THAT AMAZING :) MEMORY & BUILD YOUR PICTURE

CLEAR YOUR MIND

NOW MAP ACROSS ALL OF THE GOOD IMAGES, SOUNDS & FEELINGS

SEAL IT IN AND REMIND YOURSELF THAT YOU'VE REPROGRAMMED YOUR BARCODE.

OPEN YOUR EYES TO A BRAND NEW WAY TO FEEL GOOD FAST!

"The easier you can make things inside your head, the easier it will make things outside your head" Richard Bandler

Of course if you'd prefer me to help you make things easier inside your head, I'm here.

Jules x

Step into a New You in Just One Weekend

Sun, 12 Jun 2022 00:00:00 +0000

Do you want some good news? Well, if you are a medic, or know a medic, we have some great news!

In fact, Sam and I are so confident that you will have a life changing blast of a weekend that we've gone ahead and booked us a castle!

We have chosen the fabulous Bickleigh Castle (www.bickleighcastle.com) in Devon to host what will be an extraordinary weekend of guided self discovery and learning. When we say extraordinary, we mean extraordinary!

FRIDAY 14th OCTOBER-SUNDAY 16th OCTOBER 2022

As you check in on Friday evening, you will be parking the stresses and strains associated with your professional life.

By the time you check out on Sunday, you will have enjoyed a full itinerary including:

How to make self sabotage a thing of the past
How to get rid of your limiting beliefs and negative thoughts
How to train yourself to see opportunities around you
How to tune your inner voice to become more cheerleader than critic

If you are in need of our treat of a retreat, or perhaps you know a medic who is sorely in need of this, get your place booked now!

PS You’ll have your own room, a fabulous full board menu, and a 1:1 follow on taster coaching session, included in the package.

If you're not a medic, please don't feel left out.These weekends will be hosted again for other professional sectors. Follow me for more news.

Jules & Sam x

Bereavement & Loss Coaching

Fri, 08 Jul 2022 00:00:00 +0000

The problem with death is that it can be used to airbrush or even wipe out the behaviour of the deceased. Conversely, if things haven't been good, doesn't do much to help the bereft in trying to process what has happened. Those who are left behind can be struggling years later, with their emotional fallout.

The funeral is not widely considered the place to speak your truth either. Few would have the courage to flout these deeply held beliefs about showing respect for those who are no longer with us.

We are told that "it's disrespectful to speak ill of the dead" or "At least you have closure now." or even "it doesn't matter, they're gone now."

Well, you know what? it does matter, it really does!

How about the zero respect shown for the wife who's husband had carried on with his love affairs throughout their marriage?
How about the feelings hanging around for the woman who was bullied and abused by her partner?
What familial support was present when the man lost his family home through his gambling habit?
Where does the resentment go after caring thanklessly for a dying spouse?
How do you reconcile the benevolent persona with the parent who failed to support you throughout your childhood?
Where do you park your grief hangover?

Listening to the eulogy about one guy was like listening to a tale about someone completely different to the person we'd known. The mourners looked quizzically at each other as the vicar talked about some of the virtues of the deceased. I had known this chap for almost 50 years yet I didn't relate to what I was hearing. I heard a gentle sigh from one of the relatives who chose to attend, a sigh which was filled with unspoken emotion. There were a few people who stayed away and made their point by doing so.

One of the best eulogies I had the pleasure of hearing was made by a lady I had coached, about her alcoholic husband. She had come to terms with his life, his death and her life. In doing this she had found her peace. She stood at the lectern and said "People said he was a bastard and yes, he could be a bastard! But he was my bastard and I loved him! RIP my love" Extraordinary and so moving!

Bereavement and loss coaching will bring you the relief which will have eluded you for some time. It is not about going backwards, much more about moving forwards.

You will be encouraged to talk your mind, to get it all out and then we work out how you would like your life to be now.

What part do you play in your own life?

What do you want now?

What don't you want now?

How are you going to get it?

What will help you?

What will trip you up?

What is stopping you now?

My late husband passed away in 2010 and I was weighed down by a massive crock of negativity. Discovering NLP Coaching, Hypnotherapy and Time Line Therapy was the turning point of my life. Learning how to get to the place I'd dreamt about came into view. All I had to do was to learn how to clear out my cache of the stuff which was holding me hostage in my misery.

Today I have forgiven him, forgiven myself, forgiven his addiction tribe buddies and now I have the most incredible life imaginable! I am blissfully married to my soul mate every day is the day I choose it to be.

"I don't think that understanding produces change. Learning produces change."

Richard Bandler (NLP co-creator)

Bereavement and loss coaching will bring you the learning which will help you to clear to your cache of the stuff holding you hostage.

Resenting What Other People Have

Thu, 14 Jul 2022 00:00:00 +0000

I spent a lot of years resenting what other people have. There, now I've said it!

As a child I was taught that hard work and honesty will get you everything you want in life. These aren't shabby values but they have their limitations. I have always worked hard and have always tried to be honest, but when life got really tough, this wasn’t enough to keep me going. I believed that I deserved more and felt pretty short changed.

Deservedness is a state of mind which will block your way forward and without you even realising it. If you've ever uttered the words:"I deserve more than this," or: "I don't deserve this crap," you will have entered the mental wilderness that is deservedness.

Once you’re here, this leads to no good, and you will be trapped in a resourceless state forever.

Unless you decide to change

Have you ever thought about the times you've intended to do something? You've set your heart on it and in your mind its achievable.

I am going to lose weight
I am perfect for that new role
I am cutting back on my drinking
I am leaving this relationship
I am ready to start that relationship
I am going to put my prices up
I am going to finish this project

You've created the dream, you've visualised it, voiced it and maybe played it in your head over and over again. This time it is going to work! This time I will succeed!

Only it doesn't work and you don't succeed and you are now feeling very let down by life.

Worse still you are now resenting what other people have! They've done it and they're in that amazing place that you feel is yours.

The rules around achievement are that you consciously create a goal and subconsciously believe that you can achieve it. If you are stuck in the rut of deservedness, you will have all of the necessary resources to create your goal, but down in the engine room, your subconscious mind will be sending out signals that you don't deserve it.

All of your mental debris is backed and blocking up your neural pathways. Now you will most likely sabotage your goal, sink the ship and seek consolation.

That's easier and it's comfortable isn't it?

So now you're not only resenting what other people have, you're also feeling like a failure! Double whammy!

Come on, you know you're worth it. If you don’t believe in yourself, why should anyone else?

Feelings of resentment for what other people have, will have lead you straight into some pretty dire states of mind and hold you there. Feelings of:

Envy
Jealously
Bitterness
Anger
Frustration
Sadness
Guilt

Is this how you really want to be? If not, how about having an honest conversation with yourself?

Once you've decided enough is enough, your mind will enter that precious resourceful place.

You can reprogramme your subconscious and align it with your conscious mind. Now you are well on track for a cracking resolution to your goal, whatever it may be!

I spent far too long resenting what other people have until I learned what I now know to be NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming).

The simple and super rapid changes to your life can happen in just one day!

How many more failed attempts at success do you want?

Jules x

If you want to read more about The Law of Deservedness, Patrick Wanis coined the phrase in 2006

What's behind your smile?

Wed, 27 Jul 2022 00:00:00 +0000

Your smile is used to communicate so much more than happiness! What's behind your smile?

Have you been faced with a challenge which is scaring the pants off you, only to crack a huge grin as you tackle it? Maybe you have smiled at your opponent as a sign of defiance. Mona Lisa's enigmatic smile appears to follow you around the room and we know that Batmans 'The Joker' isn't smiling out of kindness.

I have very few photographs of me as a young adult, partly because I was too broke to own a camera and mobile phones weren't around back then. The few pictures I do have show me with a tight lipped closed smile. Our young grandchildren only have to spot a phone for them to smile and say "cheese!" I am sure the 'selfie culture' has made us more aware of our smiles than ever before. Without even thinking about it, we are all looking into a lens and contorting our faces into the expression best suited to our message.

One of my biggest open mouthed smiles would have been during a risqué adventure, Ok, it was the 70's and didn't we all streak naked across a football pitch at half time? No? Just me then! That joy and sense of freedom released enough dopamine to bring on the broadest grin.

Sadly the football fun faded and life got really tough. The broad grin vanished and I had to practice certain smiles to survive. I used, what I now know is, an affiliative smile for deflecting domestic abuse. It was useful too during meetings for people affected by gambling https://gamanon.org.uk when some of us in the room were absolutely broken. A smile across the room brought murmurs of allegiance, consolation and support.

My children always bring on a reward smile as they continually show how cool they are and I'm sure that grandchildren are hardwired to get you by the heartstrings!

There can't be many people in the word who haven't been on the end of a dominance smile. Think some politicians and some employers.

There are widely thought to be three groups of smile

The Reward smile sends out positive encouragement. A baby beaming at you will surely win this smile every time!

The Affiliative smile is a leveller and sends out reassuring bonding signals. "We are in this together."

The Dominance smile can be confusing. "We are in this together although I am superior to you."

Finding, understanding and now coaching in NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) was a game changer! One of the presuppositions (assumed rules) is that;

"You cannot not communicate."

So whether you are smiling broadly, tight lipped, or any combination of the above, you are communicating something to someone!

YES, THAT SOMEONE STARTS WITH YOU.

Why not try this at home?

Look into a mirror
Think of that time when you felt amazing
What are you feeling, hearing, seeing?
You want to recreate that amazing time, yes?
What's getting in the way?
What's behind your smile?
What do you want to be behind your smile?

So you see, smiling isn't all about happiness and can conceal the most negative of your emotions. If you are trying to mask your emotions behind a smile, why not weed them out and deal with them?

Fans of grim science may want to explore more about how 19th Century neurologist Duchenne de Boulogne experimented with smiling. His macabre methods led to one of our biggest smiles being his namesake, The Duchenne smile.

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20170407-why-all-smiles-are-not-the-same

Jules x

Unclog Your Focus Filter!

Mon, 15 Aug 2022 00:00:00 +0000

So you've woken up this morning 10lbs heavier than when you went to bed? There is a huge pimple on your nose and those smile lines have turned into deep furrows. You have a presentation to make and your content won't stand up. What were you thinking when you wrote it? Oh, and you've nothing to wear either, so today is going to be a total disaster!

Last night, just before you went to sleep, you were feeling pretty confident about today. OK, so you're carrying an extra pound or two and you have skin that is prone to breakouts. Your presentation was good enough and you were going to be wearing that old favourite.

All you did was go to sleep, so what the heck happened? What negative forces were at work while you were sleeping?

We have a small part at the base of the brain which acts as a filter. This filter works around the clock, making sure we only take on board the stuff we need to. Very simply, it is our RAS, Reticular Activating System, or focus filter. its purpose is enable us to focus our concentration on things which are important to us at that time.

There is, however, a potential glitch in this brilliant piece of kit. You are in charge of the focus and you decide what is important at the time. You are the giver of the messages to your focus filter, and what you say goes!

TRY THIS OUT

Imagine you're in a packed concert arena and you drop your wristwatch on the ground.

You will zone out of everything else for that moment as you search for your watch. Everything else will become a blur. The music will fade out, people around you will blend into one and your concentration will be sharpened up ready for the search.

You have a shiny new car

First trip out. How come there are so many of these on the road? Everyone else seems to have the same model as you.

Playing that childhood game of counting and later recalling the blue buttons in a dish.

Darn it, why can't you remember how many yellow items there were too?

You try and pass on a famous actors name to your friend, only to get further away from it, the harder you try.

You're dozing in your bed and suddenly you remember the name. Never mind that the moment has passed!

You believe that you can't do something, you're not good enough, clever enough, slim enough, attractive enough, successful enough, confident enough.........................

Whether you are counting and recalling coloured buttons in a dish or deciding that you aren't successful enough, your focus filter is doing exactly the same job! It is gathering every bit of evidence to support your reality of the world.

It is reassuring to know that just by switching your thoughts from negative you can unclog your focus filter!

"If you hear a voice within you say you cannot paint, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced." Vincent Willem van Goch

TRY THIS OUT

Think back to a time when you felt totally at the top of your game. Trust what comes to you first. Close your eyes and associate into the picture.
What can you see?
What can you hear?
Can you feel anything?
You may have a smell or a taste that comes to you.

As you are immersed in this magical moment, concentrate on all of the sensory stuff going on and how wonderful you feel. When you are ready open your eyes and come back into the room. Well done! You have taken the first step to unclog your focus filter. There was no room for negative thoughts or bad feelings, was there?

"If you're looking for difficulties, you'll always find them. If you ask the question, "What can go wrong?" then something probably will. On the other hand. if you're asking the question,"What works?" then you can find it and, in this case, I did." Richard Bandler Get The Life You Want The Secrets to Quick & Lasting Life Change

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Life-You-Want-Secrets/dp/0007292511/ref=nodl_?dplnkId=57806cee-23d5-4fdb-bc80-cebece189f99#

If you'd like to explore more about how NLP Master Coaching can help you unclog your focus filter, get in touch.

Jules x

OCD behaviours can affect us all

Tue, 23 Aug 2022 00:00:00 +0000

You know that your hands are squeaky clean, so why are you convinced that they need another scrub? Your home may be clean and tidy, yet you feel the driven to give it another good going over and make it extra clean. Maybe you can't leave the house without checking you've turned everything off, or you count things in a sequential order.

Way back in the 70's I met my future mother in law as she was mid vacuuming her living room carpet. She was a vision in her pink dressing gown, fluffy slippers and hair in curlers. I apologised for turning up early to which she replied "Don't worry Ju, I do this every day at the same time! I'll make you a cuppa when I've finished."

As a 15 year old who had barely ever wielded a duster, I was super impressed by the dedication of this lady, although I couldn't quite fathom why she needed to do her deep clean every single day and at the same time. My mother, who ran a pretty tight home herself, was quite critical of her, although I thought this was misplaced envy! I think that my Mum thought she was trying to outdo the rest of the female race!

As my children came along, my mother in law showed no sign of varying her routine to suit the kids sleepovers. So the children accepted that Nanny just liked to clean a lot. Woe betide them though if they spilled a drink or ate a biscuit without using a plate. She would get very anxious, complain bitterly and then start her routine over again.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a mental health disorder where a person has obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviour and OCD behaviours can affect us all.

Thinking back to my mother in laws routine, she probably had some of this going on. She was certainly being driven by something to get her home up to what she felt was an acceptable standard of cleanliness. I do recall telling her that her house was the cleanest I'd ever been in and asked if she would she take a day off to come out with me and the kids. Her reply was always the same "I'd love to Ju, but my house won't clean itself!"

The key to my mother in laws obsessive housework routine became apparent much later. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer and at the age of 47 she left her home and moved in with me. That last summer before she passed away, we got to know each other like never before. She talked about how she had moved, aged 18, from Londons East End, pregnant and hastily married, to a tiny village in Buckinghamshire. Her mother in law used to tell her daily that she had ruined her sons life by getting herself pregnant. Apparently that was all the rage then, girls everywhere were getting themselves pregnant! This is a whole other story though and for another time.

This stunningly beautiful, feisty, young Cockney lass had to show everyone that she was good enough, didn't she? Now you can see the pattern emerging.

You're told that you're not good enough
You initially fight it
After a while you start to believe it
Maybe its better to try and prove that you are good enough
How about you scrub your house clean?
So now your brain has a positive job to do
This behaviour quietens the mind
Now do it again, which feels a relief
And again and again and again

What a different mindset (and life) my mother in law could have enjoyed, had she understood how she had become locked into doing her routine over and over. She talked about a lack of confidence and having no control over her life. We both agreed that her sparkly clean house had been her way of convincing herself that she was a decent person. How she would have loved someone to take her quietly to one side and reassure her that, OCD behaviours can affect us all and that NLP brings rapid and effective ways to get rid of these OCD behaviours.

While it is not clear what causes OCD behaviour, there is information about this condition available. A basic outline can be found by visiting the NHS A-Z of conditions.

https://www.nhs.uk>mental-health

OCD behaviours can include:

Repetitive routines such as cleaning, hand washing, counting in sequence, checking locked doors checking that the gas is turned off, repeating words internally, arranging things in order.

One of the differences between medicalising OCD and using NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) coaching is that I do not diagnose the condition. I am not a medic and do not diagnose. More importantly, I don't see much benefit from pinning a label on someone. What good comes from saying "I'm OCD?" If a client says this to me, I ask if this is all they are. Quite often they've been doing their obsessive behaviours for so long, they feel like this is all they are. How sad is this?

What I do offer though, is an opportunity for my clients to learn about themselves. This is the first time that some of my clients have seen chink of light ahead. Using a combination of hypnotherapy and talking together, we can create rapid and effective ways to get rid of OCD behaviours.

We look at:

What is the purpose behind my behaviour?
How am I thinking just before I do my compulsive behaviour?
Does it follow a feeling of insecurity or doom?
It's nothing to do with my intelligence and logic is it?
Are those people close to me showing concern about my behaviour?
How do I want to be instead?
What will the freedom from this mean to me?

OCD behaviours can affect us all We probably all have some routines that we like to stick to. I feel more at ease when wearing striped clothing. Yes, since entering the world of NLP, I've explored this and it is a preference now rather than a compulsion! It's about feeling balanced, which stripes bring me. The difference is that I have a choice and am not compelled to only wear stripes.

Imagine the stress involved for people who cannot function unless they are repetitively and compulsively doing their thing.

The sad fact is that these behaviours are usually stopped as soon as something bigger and badder comes along. My poor mother in laws cancer diagnosis stopped her in her tracks. She bitterly regretted how much time she had wasted cleaning her house, when she could have been enjoying her life with her grandchildren. One client of mine had only stopped his obsessive compulsive behaviour when his partner left him, only to start up again when she returned. Fortunately for him we used hypnotherapy and NLP to completely free him from his ODC behaviours.

So if you are concerned that you aren't living your life to the full and feel trapped by your thoughts, remember that OCD behaviours can affect us all.

Why wait for something bigger and badder to come along?

get in touch to see how I can help

Jules x

“What's Wrong With Me?”

Wed, 07 Sep 2022 00:00:00 +0000

Is your daily life being affected by being in a problem relationship?

Are you at the end of another draining fight with your partner?
Perhaps your children are driving you to the wall with their incessant problem behaviour.
You may be struggling to get results at work and feeling disempowered.

Whatever the relationship, if it's bad, it's affecting your mental health.

One lady I worked with was trying so hard to please her partner that she was filling up with resentment. She felt that she had invested more emotionally into the marriage and that her wife was not taking things seriously enough. She had been to see several people who she thought may help. The help she needed wasn't available so she decided to come to me as a final attempt to mend things.

At the start of our initial meeting, she cried so hard that her face was blotchy and swollen. After a while the tears slowed, which they aways will!

She told me how she had tried to make everything perfect for her wife and that in doing so, she had sold her soul. She ended by saying "What's wrong with me?"

A gentleman had come to see me because he was showing verbal anger to his partner and her children. He sat on my sofa and howled with despair. He said he was drinking too much, smoking and eating takeaways, all of which made him feel worse. He went to to say that he is a National Sales Director for a successful company, but had no control over his moods at home. To make things worse, he wasn't sleeping and believed he was about to have a serious health episode.

Working with another lady, she told me that she had taken on so much extra work. She was working late into the evening when she believed her colleagues would be enjoying their much deserved down time. Her resentment for the organisation was palpable, although she knew that she wasn't being fair in assuming that everyone else there was having a ball.

Going through the blame game is usually the first part of trying to make things better.

"If I hadn't married him, I'd be X!"

"If I had done better in my interview, I'd be more successful!"

"If she wouldn't argue back, everything would be great!"

"If the kids would do as they were told, the household would be peaceful!"

The misery and loneliness you will feel can, weirdly be the start of your recovery. By asking yourself "What's wrong with me?" you are acknowledging that you play a part in the problem!

This thought can trigger the start of your shift towards change.

Your shift, your change, your life!

In every single relationship there is communication. Whether you like it or not, you will be communicating even when you think you aren't. People around you will be picking up your signals and building their understanding of what is going on. You will be picking up other peoples signals and building your own understanding of what's going on.

John Grinder (co-creator of NLP Neuro Linguistic Programming) writes in his NLP Communication Model "You create your perception of reality inside your own neurology."

Very simply, you will take in masses of information through your senses of sight, feeling, sound and to a lesser degree taste and smell. This is your unique filter system! From this you will form an understanding of the situation. For example, you hear a siren, see flashing lights and smell smoke. This will then produce a thought which leads to a belief which leads to an action.

Your understanding of the situation is yours and mine is mine. We will have both accessed the information we believe is relevant to the situation. How we communicate this across depends on trusting our subconscious to throw up the best option.

The subconscious mind is a wonderful resource and should be deeply appreciated. it is responsible for storing and ‘barcoding’ every single experience we have ever had. Each and every experienced is filed according to the data we have personally attached to it. It is our unique reference guide and one to which we attach all manner of meaning.

Back to the siren, flashing lights and smoke. Close your eyes for a moment and think about those words. Your subconscious mind will be working super fast to access all stored data and attach meaning from previous filters. What are you feeling right now? How do you know this representation is accurate?

Learning to access and interpret your stored memory data is a super skill which can be learned and developed to bring fantastic results for improving all communication.

As an NLP coach, I help you to build your 'picture' from any situation and then change the barcode to give you a completely different perception.

Going back to the gentleman who was angry with his stepchildren. We did a very simple exercise to start looseniing up the problem.

What's wrong? I'm always angry with them
What is the cause of this? They are spoilt by their real father, get away with murder and live in my house!
How have you failed to resolve this? By drinking too much and staying up late and laying low
How can you overcome the solution to your problem? By looking at why their presence angers me and working through it
What would you like to change? To stop shutting myself off from my partner and her kids. To be present and enjoy time to them
When will you stop this from being a problem? As soon as I open up about my upbringing and start communicating openly

So, we go back to you creating your perception of the situation inside your own reality.
Your perception is being built on every microscopic detail of your past experiences.

The unhappy National Sales director went on to dig out his past experiences and to understand how they had shaped his beliefs around family life, children and parenting.

His old way of communicating his own wishes was to shut down and wait for adults to find him. He found the stepkids behaviour overly indulgent and realised that this was what jarred him.
So we accessed his perception of reality and simply changed the barcode!

So from now on, instead of saying “What’s wrong with me?” Ask yourself “What’s behind this and how can I change the outcome?”

If you want to know more, I’m here.

Jules x

*The content of the video is credited to John Grinder

Is a gastric band right for me?

Tue, 01 Nov 2022 00:00:00 +0000

"I am overweight and want a gastric band!" What is the best gastric band for me?

Have you reached a point where you are feeling that you've battled alone and for long enough with your weight?

Your body image is shot to pieces and your self esteem is on the rocks. Your clothes don't fit and you have started avoiding social situations.

You may have tried all of the diets and found that as soon as you stop the regime, your weight will creep back on! Now you may be thinking about a more drastic weight loss solution, a gastric band.

Having a gastric band fitted is said to be a relatively low risk procedure. However the risks are real and they should be given serious consideration when exploring whether this is the best weight loss method for you. Infection, leakage, erosion, slippage, pain, bleeding, scarring, hernia and blood clots are complications which can occur is some patients. General anaesthesia carries its own risks too with recovery time away from work being a minimum of one to two weeks.

You may be eligible to have your gastric band fitted on the NHS if your BMI is over 40 and if you have other serious health conditions. www.nhs.uk/bmi If your BMI is lower than this, (25 is the minimum BMI for any reputable weight loss regime) your options are limited to paying privately for your gastric band.

The average price for fitting a gastric band in the UK is between £4,000 and £8,000.

So, you've qualified with your BMI and you've decided to invest in your weight loss surgery. There is however one more hurdle to jump and this is probably the biggest hurdle of all!

If you don't change your lifestyle, your weight will still creep back on.

According to www.nuffieldhealth.com "What are the benefits of gastric banding?"

"If the operation is successful, you should be able to achieve long term weight loss. However, this depends on your ability to keep to your new lifestyle. Long term weight loss should improve any obesity-related health problems you have."

Just think about this for a moment. You've paid thousands of pounds, gone through surgery and now you alone hold the key to the success of your weight management!

Time and time again we remind clients, that if the mind isn't on board with what you are doing, the benefits can be very short lived.

One gentleman client, I worked with, had previously had his gastric band fitted. He had learned to avoid the nausea of overeating by consuming liquidised melted chocolates, brandy and thick cream. His tummy was resistant to large volumes of food, yet his mind was crying out for sugary, fatty stuff to eat. Needless to say he could not maintain his weight loss and felt unwell most days. Added to this was the constant feeling that he'd failed. After having some coaching sessions he managed to align his deepest thoughts with how to achieve his weight management success. He said he wished he hadn't have put himself through the surgical stuff and opted instead for having a virtual gastric band.

So what is an alternative to gastric band surgery?

Hypnotherapy-Band®️Weight Loss System was established in 2010 www.hypnoband.com and is the original Virtual Gastric Band method in the UK.

How does it work?

Over four sessions we take you through the process of having a gastric band fitted, only in your mind. By using suggestion and visualisation your mind will be convinced that your stomach has become smaller and that you need less food. By eating less and less often you will begin to lose weight. The process uses hypnotherapy and cognitive behavioural techniques to help you achieve your ideal weight - and stay there!

Each session in the Hypno-Band system lasts for one hour and before beginning the process a full assessment will be carried out.

Does it involve surgery? No! The HYPNO-BAND system is a non-invasive behaviour changing method using the techniques of hypnotherapy and cognitive behavioural therapy.

Does it hurt? On the contrary. The HYPNO-BAND procedure is extremely relaxing and pleasurable.

Are there side effects? No. There are no side effects associated with undergoing this procedure.

So it's safe? Yes! The HYPNO-BAND system is perfectly safe.

Will I be under the hypnotherapist’s control? Never. No hypnotherapist can make you do anything you do not want to do nor make you behave in a way you would not normally behave.

Am I suitable for the HYPNO-BAND weight loss system? If you are over-weight and really want and are committed to losing weight then you should be suitable. The only exception would be if there is a physiological reason for your weight problems or if you are taking certain medications.

Will it work for me? The key to success is YOU! There is not a single weight loss system which will work unless you are committed to losing weight. You must be prepared to change your eating habits and life-style. If you are totally serious about losing weight then it will certainly work for you. The HYPNO-BAND system provides you with the tools and ability to lose weight and maintain a healthier body.

How long does it take? The whole process takes four one hour sessions. Usually this is achieved over 6 to 8 weeks, but this is flexible depending on your progress

So whether you opt for the full blown surgical gastric band or the hypnotherapy Hypno-Band® gastric band, your mind must be on board with your intentions and this will determine your actions.

When your mind and body are congruent this is where the magic happens.

Jules x

6 Tips to Help Survive Christmas

Tue, 13 Dec 2022 00:00:00 +0000

'Tis the season to be jolly, or is it? It is also the season for a spike in stress and a whole lot of negative emotions playing out. Family Christmases as a child, were full of excitement and expectation which were rarely fulfilled. Mum was in the kitchen preparing a feast and Dad was out socialising and in the pub. Inevitably the fall out from Mum's exhaustion and Dads inebriation would result in a miserable time being had by all. Still Mum laboured on to give us kids a good Christmas and I feel so sad that she felt she had to do this.

The familial pattern I learned from this did little to help lift my Christmas spirit. My late husband ramped up his gambling habit as the pressure mounted for him to be present for me and our children. I took the lead in making the children's Christmas as special as possible. Presents were bought months beforehand to avoid relying on any financial support from him.This backfired a few times when the children asked Father Christmas for something completely different to what was already wrapped and hidden away. Another year, Father Christmas spent so long in the betting shop, that he forgot to collect the bikes I had bought. Cue Christmas morning with a frantic call to the kindly bike shop man, who had luckily left the bikes behind his shop for collection. Crisis averted but my nerves were shot to pieces.

I always hung onto preparing a big roast turkey dinner and having matching tableware. I believed that if I aimed for perfection, it would somehow negate the niggling inner message that I wasn't good enough. I had learned from my Mum that you had to 'keep going' for the children and this took its toll as I strived each year to pretend everything was ok.

Going away to my parents house was the children's idea of heaven and Christmas for them there, was magical. We were able to eat well and they had plenty of presents to open. For me it brought another level of anxiety as my husband was never welcomed by my parents and used any excuse to exit early and make his way back home with my credit card in his pocket. Playing Monopoly while knowing our mortgage payments were in jeopardy was incredibly stressful. However I told myself that nobody wanted a scene and that I should try and make the best of everything.

When my late husbands health deteriorated, he was eventually moved into the hospice. I had time to reflect on the past and I thought back to the times I had endeavoured to create the perfect Christmas. We didn't know whether he would make it to Christmas, and sadly he didn't. However my change in mindset was profound and I built a list of survival techniques which I thought I'd share. Sitting in a hospice can allow us to contemplate all that is important in life and sadly, in death.

This list is not exhaustive and hopefully if will give some useful pointers to think about. The 1st question is the most important and it is good to think deeply about your answers. Be honest with yourself!

1. Check in with your perspective on how you think Christmas should be.

Are you trying to create something that is unrealistic and unnecessary?
What is driving your mindset? Who are you doing this for?
Does it matter that you didn't get the exact present for someone?
Ask yourself, what is important and what is not.

2. Children will ask for the latest things advertised. You can get plenty of preowned stuff on social media sites. It won't be the end of the world if they don't get what they ask for.

3. Don't go into debt. It is tempting to have now and pay later. Paying for an expensive Christmas gift carries double the stress, if it's causing hardship further on down the line.

4. Resect other people's ideas about Christmas. Not everyone celebrates this and that's fine too. Some of my family have different religious and political beliefs. We park this and just get together as a family.

5. Take some time out for yourself if you're living with a number of people. If physical space doesn't allow for much distance, use a pair of earphones and some calming music. Maybe read a book or lie quietly for a while.

6. Be kind to yourself and breathe. It soon will pass and hopefully you will come through unscathed and having had a good time.

Merry Christmas

In the meantime if any of this resonates with you and you'd iike to talk about underlying issues around Christmas or anything else, why not book a call with me?

Jules x

How Can I Stick To My New Year Resolutions?

Mon, 02 Jan 2023 00:00:00 +0000

We are barely into January and, already many of those New Years resolutions will have been abandoned, along with the gift wrap. All of the intentions to eat less, get fit, stop drinking which were made in good faith are no more.

If it's this tough sticking to a good intention, what can be done to help? Is there a magic answer? How can I stick to my New Year resolutions?

I spent years being addicted to chocolate. By this, I don't mean that I would over indulge now and again. I used chocolate to satisfy a craving deep inside. it wasn't luxury chocolate either, it was cheap mass produced stuff and lots of it in one session. I'm not sure how I avoided becoming diabetic but this binge behaviour overrode all of my usual common sense and logic. The battles of will I used to go through every single time.

This inner conflict is not only draining but unresourceful and it is nearly impossible to consciously talk yourself out of doing the thing you hate yourself for doing. You will continually experience an internal bargaining process going on , which is incredibly disempowering.

After one ugly incident in Ikea car park, involving me and a family bag of Revels, I decided I couldn't go on like this. I felt sad, beaten and so angry with myself and the rest of the world. It felt unfair and there seemed no way out. The doctor didn't take this behaviour seriously and there didn't seem to be any who understood how bad this made me feel. It was a secretive business too, so most people didn't know what was going on.

I turned to NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) coaching and it was like a lightbulb had switched on! For the first time ever, I was able to address this part of me which used to spin out of control. This part which I would never have openly admitted to having, as the rest of me was so level headed.

This was the first time that I learned about what makes us tick. I learned about the internal messaging we feed ourselves and how we can change the script. As fantastical as NLP seems, it works!

I found that, when I was feeling threatened or under stress, I turned to eating chocolate. After digging deep in my mind, I found another way to manage the stress triggers.

Acknowledging that you can have different parts or personal incongruences deep inside your mind, will begin a journey of getting the results you want!

If you want to improve your chances of sticking to your resolutions then read on.

Respect that the negative part of your mind is doing its job.
Stop beating yourself up.
List all of the words describing the purpose of your negative part. What is it trying to achieve for you? This may seem silly, but go with it! Keep going until you have the highest purpose gained by your behaviour. (mine was calm, security)
Opposite this, list all of the words describing the purpose of your positive part. The 'how you'd like to be' part What is it trying to achieve for you? Keep going until you have the highest purpose gained by your behaviour. (mine was calm, security)
As you look at your words, allow yourself time to process your feelings. You will find that each part of your mind is driving you towards the same outcome.
Now you can begin to understand what both parts of you are trying to achieve!

How can I stick to my New Years resolutions? The answer is so simple. Choose which parts intention you want to use and go with it. Once you know how to do this, it is so simple, yet so effective.

To get a snap shot of how lucrative the slimming business is, there are some mind boggling numbers in this link. It hasn't become a massive global business by helping you stick to your resolutions.

Weight loss statistics

If you'd like a call about how NLP Coaching can help you free yourself from repeat negative behaviour, get in touch.

contact

HAPPY NEW YEARS SUCCESS WITH YOUR RESOLUTIONS

Standing Still Is Making A Choice

Mon, 06 Mar 2023 00:00:00 +0000

I have recently been to several funerals, where each of the deceased had lived a long life. One of things which stood out was how the mourners speculated on the lives lived by these octogenarians. Death seems to bring its own forgiveness protocol, even though it doesn't negate how resentful the bereft can feel.

My late husband was young when he passed away after a long illness. I was both mentally and emotionally, a shell of a person. We had been ensnared in a long marriage, dominated by his addiction and coercive control. I say we had been ensnared, as I don't believe he was any happier than me. The point was, that I never felt able to escape and he needed me as a stabiliser. The last few years of his life felt entirely dependent on me supporting him, emotionally as well as physically.

The mourners at his funeral spoke fondly of his 'headstrong character' and his 'love of the horses'. One distant relative said "He loved you very much." As I listened to them, I felt weirdly satisfied yet so sad that I had done such a good job of airbrushing things. Nobody knew about me cowering on the floor after another rampage. Nobody knew that our houses were invariably remortgaged up to an unreachable rate, thus prompting another move to another county. It was really tough trying to convince our London dwelling children that they would love life in the country. I felt obliged to make these decisions as I had an addict husband and four young children to support. I believed I was entirely responsible for salvaging the emotional shipwreck which comes with chronic addiction.

The point of this anecdote is that my mantra was always "I believe that I have to do this, I have no choice." I was programmed to the do the right thing. I really didn't believe I could do anything better than I was. I was completely torn between trying to create a stable home while yearning for help with feeling calm, secure and peaceful.

Turning to a Master NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) coach, was a life changing moment. We talked about my life, the successes and the troubles. We talked about me feeling bad that I hadn't been strong enough to leave and create a better life for me and the children. I told her that I believed I'd had no choice in making changes to my life.

She then said "Standing still is making a choice."

Wowser! This took a while to percolate and I felt angry. What did she know about my beliefs? What qualified her to make that statement?

Well, it transpired that she knew quite a lot!

Years on, I know quite a lot too. I know that standing still is making a choice. I also know that we have deeply rooted limiting beliefs which will dictate our choice to either stand still or how we move forward.

You weren't born with these beliefs, so they've come from somewhere. If they're not helpful for your decision making, then why hold on to them?

"Beliefs aren't about truth. Beliefs are about believing. They are guides for our behaviour." Richard Bandler

What limiting beliefs do you have?
Do you want to unlearn and release your 'self sabotage' thoughts?
How would you like to create a belief system which nurtures and supports your life choices?
How does creating your own reality sound?
Isn't it your time to make a choice to move forward?

If you want to explore getting rid of your limiting beliefs, why not book a call with me?

Jules x

How To Ditch Your Guilt And Move On

Mon, 24 Apr 2023 00:00:00 +0000

Is guilt holding you back from living your best life?

Most of us feel guilty at some points in our life, it's part of being human. This can be a feeling of mild guilt or that heart gripping, head throbbing, keeping you awake at night, kind of guilt. It's often disproportionate with the thing you're feeling guilty about although this wont make you feel any better about yourself.

You've hurt someone's feelings and you're feeling guilty.
You're doing something for yourself and its not sitting comfortably with you.
You feel that you are in a privileged position and you're feeling uneasy.
You've acted dishonestly and it's staying with you.
Your actions caused unhappiness with others.
You are having negative thoughts about someone close to you.
You've made a life choice which negatively impacts on those people close to you.

Hanging on to guilt does absolutely nothing to improve the situation. Struggling to deal with the negative feelings it brings, can lead to believing the worst type of negative stuff about yourself.

Experiencing a lack of self worth
Being defensive and distant with those close to you
Struggling to cope with stress and anxiety
with self doubt
Being judgemental and unforgiving with yourself and others
Afraid to move forward and try again
Having a head full of unresolved issues
Feeling resentful and hostile towards others

None of the above is good for you, so how about letting go?

Your conscious mind will be telling you all of the logical stuff, such as getting over the guilt or not allowing yourself to be affected by it so much. Your unconscious mind however is crammed with all of your deeply held values and beliefs. It is this stash which needs to be unravelled and set free.

"No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future" Umar ibn Al-Khattab

So can you really get rid of your guilt and if so how?

NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) is a set of models and techniques useful in helping understand how each thought can influence your actions and outcomes. Everything you believe is arranged in a particular order in your mind and is used to form the decisions which lead to your actions.

When your mind is holding on to negative thoughts, this will have strong pull on the way you decide how to try and deal with a feeling. The feeling may not be comfortable but it is familiar, and we do love a bit of familiarity. Letting go of familiarity means change and we're not brilliant at change!

So how do you start to make the change?

It begins with a good deep dive into what is important to you in life and your core values. These values form the foundation of your belief system and support each thought you have about what is right and wrong.

This quiz will help you to start thinking about your values.

What is important to you in life?
If you could choose any career without constraint, what would it be?
What in the news angers you?
What are you most proud of?
When are you at your happiest? (what is present & what is absent?)
When are you most ashamed? (what is present & what is absent?)

As you're working through your answers, try thinking about that guilt you're carrying. Where does it fit with your answers?

If you'd like to ditch your guilt, Time Line Therapy® is probably the most rapid and effective way of moving you forward. In just one session, you will be transported from your place of guilt to your new place of freedom. Whats not to like?

If you'd like help to ditch your guilt and move on, why not book a free discovery call?

Jules x

How to Supercharge Your Self Belief System

Mon, 17 Apr 2023 00:00:00 +0000

How to Supercharge your Self Belief System

When you aren't feeling confident, its easy to write yourself off as being not good enough. Sometimes it starts with feeling a bit unsure about yourself, but quickly escalates into a total self esteem meltdown. Each meltdown you have will reinforce your negative beliefs and so it goes on.

I am not successful enough
I have body issues
I can't form or maintain a rewarding relationship
I am not good with managing my money
I can't make presentations, or speak in public
I have low self confidence and low self esteem
I struggle with impostor syndrome
I have OCD issues
I am held back by a phobia

If you've had one or more of these meltdowns, you will know how self limiting they can be. You may try and talk yourself up, but it seems hopeless.

STOP NOW!

Where are these negative thoughts coming from? Have you considered that you're running your negative self belief programme on out of date information?

You probably can't recall the exact moment when you first decided this negative stuff to be true. But here you are, years later, doing a great job of beating yourself up by continually gathering evidence to support your feeling of worthlessness.

So, here's how to supercharge your self belief system and it's amazingly simple and super effective!

What is blocking your way to the preferred version of you?
How does thinking about this make you feel?
What evidence have you gathered to support your block? (spoiler alert, you might find lots!)
How does your self talk sound when you play it back?
What benefits are there to holding onto your block?
What are the benefits to letting go of it?

Take your time and consider every answer to these questions. Dig deep and as you build your picture of each thought, really associate into it.

As you are recalling that first negative thought, build your picture: (it may help to get comfortable and close your eyes)

Where are you?
Who is there with you?
What can you see?
Can you hear anything?
What are you feeling and where is it in your body?
How big is the feeling from 1 to 10?

STOP NOW!

Do you prefer sweet or salted popcorn? Yes, this is relevant!

Now, bring to mind your star-spangled, at the top of your game, most amazing "I am the very best!" thought and repeat the questions. When you've done you will have 2 pictures with 2 sets of answers, bad and good.

Do you prefer tea or coffee? Yes, this is relevant.

Here is where the magic happens and it really is simple!

Close your eyes and bring to mind your negative picture.
Now, insert the answers from your most amazing picture onto your negative picture.
When you get to your good feeling dial it up to a 10.
Now lock the good feeling into your mind.
Confused? Good, that's what we like, because if your mind can't find a programme to fit with the negative picture, it moves on to relying on your brand new installation!

You have successfully reprogrammed your thoughts. Well done!

This is a brief dip into the magic of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming). It is just one of many super rapid and really effective ways you can change your mind. In the words of the psychologist William James.

"If you can change your mind, you can change your life"

If you need any further help with changing your mind, get in touch.

Jules x

How To Fix Your Midlife Crisis Fast

Tue, 13 Jun 2023 00:00:00 +0000

A midlife crisis can hit us like a brick or it can creep up on us. However it happens, when it happens, your world can turn upside down. You can go from feeling super confident and on top of the world, to feeling washed out and over the hill. You may notice that your sleep is affected, your relationships suffer and you may become more dependent on social and recreational stimulants.

Understanding how you got into this perceived crisis is useful for understanding how to deal with it.

You will have lived to a greater or lesser degree, adapting your persona to fit in with certain expectations of others. Parenthood, employability, decision making, financial and social status, all contribute to you creating your outward facing 'self'. This adaptability comes under the spotlight as you start to question whether this is who you really are, and whether this aligns with how you really feel deep inside.

"One of the greatest tragedies in life is to lose your sense of self and accept the version of you that is expected by everyone else." KL Toth

We have all heard people say things like, "She's acting like a teenager!" or "I thought he liked his life as it was, he's taken leave of his senses!" Of course not everyone behaves in the same way, but you get the idea? We can appear to derail when we start to challenge and reject our societal and cultural demands.

All that is really happening is an awakening desire to explore new external sources in an attempt to create a new way forward. These external sources aren't aways reliable though and quite often the outcome isn't what was intended. Your new persona can be vulnerable and open for being exploited.

So, you're feeling that you want to change somethings in your life, but aren't sure how?

How to fix your midlife crisis fast!

it is useful to change the language around what is happening to you. Calling it a crisis is guaranteed to bring you down! Change the wording to your mid point evaluation or audit. This immediately implies that you have a job to do which can bring huge benefits. This job can actually be done in one day, just one Breakthrough Day!

First we explore what you are actually feeling deep inside. This gives a clear view of what your values are and how you want to satisfy them. We look at what is present or absent when you are feeling your best and your worst.

Next, we look back along your time line to ditch all of the negative stuff clogging up your mind. There is nothing quite so liberating as tackling and eliminating all of your unwarranted and unwanted limiting beliefs! Sometimes, it will bring you peace to heal any childhood traumas at this stage too.

Lastly we create together your true persona, the persona you truly feel and believe is you.

"Who looks outside, dreams, who looks inside awakes" Carl Jung

If you'd like to learn how to fix your midlife crisis fast, get in touch. Imagine sorting out your life to date and your future in just one day!

*A good coach will always help you to consider the ecology of your choices, ie the impact on you and the significant people in your life.

Jules x

How to create positive mindset fast

Tue, 29 Aug 2023 00:00:00 +0000

What is a positive mindset and how do you create a positive mindset?

A positive mindset is a way of thinking which enables you to believe in yourself. By creating this, you can create opportunities in life which will bring you better outcomes and greater self satisfaction. Its sometimes called the glass half full, or having a can do attitude. Did you know that there are effective techniques for working out what you can do rather than what you can't do?

So, if you don't already have this in your mindset toolbox, here are some tips for how to create a positive mindset.

Focus - Declutter your mind. This might sound obvious but it is one of the simplest ways to start creating a positive mindset. if you're so busy focusing on what you can't do, how can positive thoughts get any headspace? "Where focus goes, energy flows." Tony Robbins, author, coach, speaker.
Social media - This is a fertile place for building negative thoughts. "I'm not as pretty, thin, clever, tall, fit, rich, talented as her!" You know that social media can be a fickle friend, so why keep hanging on every word you hear? You know these people don't live perfect lives, yet you still consume their stories to compare against yourself. Treat your social media as entertainment and be more picky about what you watch.
Your tribe - Are you surrounding yourself with people who support your decisions? Hint: You wont change that toxic relationship by staying in the zone and letting it eat away at your positivity. This is a little trickier and may take some courage, but an audit of your tribe can bring amazing emotional freedom. You can love someone yet not want their opinions dragging you down. Limit your time with mood hoovers and assert your wishes not to be pulled in to their negativity.
Challenge your negative thinking - Don't be afraid to challenge yourself whenever you are feeling negative. Teaching yourself how to create a positive mindset is an ongoing process with exponential benefits. Write down your unhelpful thoughts - writing things down is really useful for gaining perspective. Sometimes when something is worrying you a lot, just grabbing a pen and paper can lessen the load.
Celebrate - Yes celebrate your wins. Its easy to slip into the habit of negating your good stuff. How often do you say to yourself "I did this good thing BUT then this not good thing overshadowed it"

How to create a positive mindset. These thoughts will be super useful to improve resourceful thinking.

I am no good at anything

I am sometimes no good at anything

I am sometimes quite good at somethings

I am really good at somethings and just feeling in a grouchy mood

Its ok to feel in a grouchy mood sometimes

I'd like to get better at this thing, so what must I do next?

"If you are positive, you'll see opportunities instead of obstacles" Confucius

When Your Partner is a Project

Wed, 13 Sep 2023 00:00:00 +0000

How do you tell whether your personal partnership is turning into a project? You enter into a relationship with an idea of how you will treat someone and how you would like to be treated. However, what are the signs that the partnership isn't working out as you hoped?

So what does a partnership look like?

When your partner is a partner.

Trust - is built over time as you learn how much your partner will be there for you. Building trust relies on talking openly to each other and feeling secure within this communication.
Values & Beliefs - respecting each others values and beliefs within a partnership is huge. While you don't have to share exactly the same values and beliefs with your partnership, it is super important to respect that you both have them. eg. One of you may be religious and one might not.
Support - is vital and in so many ways. Simply knowing that your partner is your cheerleader, can massively enhance your sense of self belief.
Love & Friendship - adds humour, fun, joy and shared experiences which are so beneficial to your partnership.
Well-being - can be hugely impacted by a good partnership.
Intimacy - however this is for you, intimacy within your partnership can bring you closer as you let go of inhibitions and enjoy the moment with a partner you trust.

This all takes time, patience and practice to build into your ideal partnership. Mutual respect is a non negotiable and must be there from the start of any partnership. Being able to explore your own ideals while caring for your partners ideals is a work in progress. The rewards can be huge and gives you, your very best experience of a great partnership.

You can't have it all our own way though can you? Sometimes things go wrong and you can end up having a wobble within your partnership. Wobbles are normal but what happens when this isn't just another wobble and it seems all give and no take?

When your partner is a project.

Look out for these red flags. They may not all present themselves at once, but they can creep up on you.

Trust- you sense a lack of trust and honesty. You may be being cheated on or lied to.
Behaviour - your partners behaviour becomes unacceptable. An, all too common example of this, is controlling and coercive behaviour. Your values and beliefs are being trashed and you aren't being seen as an equal.
Isolation - at first, you may not notice, but you realise you are being separated from your family and friends. A partner will want you to have your network. A 'project' will want you to stay on side to support them and not risk being influenced by your network.
Boundaries - your boundaries are not being respected. You will notice an unwillingness to talk or to compromise and you will be expected to accept that your personal boundaries are worthless.
Abuse - this is more common than people realise and it affects every walk of life. When your partner is a project, they may resort to abuse as a way to keep you in line.

So how do you navigate the way ahead, when your partner is a project?

Understand yourself - this is massively important. Trying to understand your partner is secondary to you understanding yourself. Dig deep into how this relationship is affecting you and in what way. Don't be afraid to explore how your boundaries are being disrespected
Communicate - aim for a clear, calm conversation about how you feel their behaviour is affecting you.
Boundaries - should be set and clearly defined. Calmly lay out what you are and are not prepared to tolerate. There is not one size fits all for this. When you've firmly set yours down, stick to them!
Assess - think about what the relationship brings you and what you are prepared to invest too.
Self care - look after yourself. Widening your social circle can really help with feeling isolated.
Support - family and friends can be really supportive. Be mindful to keep boundaries with them too! Advice can be helpful but it can be subjective too. Remember this is your journey not theirs.
External support - coaching can really help you to manage your relationship, when your partner is a project. Good coaching offers you to the opportunity to dig deep into what you really want, or don't want from the relationship. If you feel unsafe within the partnership, don't stay silent. You can get help from trusted sources such as the police.

"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone" Robin Williams

Stop Feeling Like An Impostor

Mon, 05 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Recognising the Symptoms of Impostor Syndrome

You really want this opportunity and you believe it is the right one for you. Of course, this is a conscious thought and you are now voicing it over and over to convince yourself that it's the right decision for you. All plain sailing so far, you've just got to run it past your Unconscious Mind. Let's call this your UM moment.

Now, all hell breaks loose in your head and you are questioning why you ever thought it a good idea to go for the opportunity!

Just to be clear, impostor syndrome is not about being self aware or checking in with yourself. As you run through your options, you are experiencing a very real and very pervasive, mental struggle.

Now you're starting to feel as if you're a fraud and you're going to get called out for it any time now. Your breathing can become laboured, you might sweat and you may even be considering fleeing the scene!

Likewise, you have achieved something brilliant. Even as you are accepting the acknowledgement, your UM has stepped in to challenge the validity of your success. You are now feeling a fraud and believe that you don't deserve your recognition.

Do you want to live with your unwanted and emotionally draining impostor syndrome, or do you want to stop feeling like an impostor?

Digging deep to discover the roots of your Impostor Syndrome

The UM has many jobs and one of these is to protect you and keep you alive. You're breathing aren't you and your heart is beating? This and your other bodily stuff is run by this incredible 'computer' which is the Unconscious Mind, your UM.

Everything you're dealing with now is being fed by by which are gathered by the UM from past experiences. You probably never interviewed, aged 2, for a big job, but your current internal dialogue was being formed by experiences even back then.

Your place in the family can influence your beliefs, as can your earliest memories of being in school.

Case study

Simon is a successful cinematographer. His career was golden and was just about to get more golden. As he sat with another influential film person, his mind started wandering and his mild self doubt turned into a full blown panic attack. He was forced to leave the venue and seemingly his big opportunity had evaporated before his eyes.

His UM shuffled all of the negative stuff he'd experienced as a very young schoolboy and fed him it's opinion. Based on this data, his decision was that he wasn't entitled to be there and he had no choice but to flee the scene. 10/10 to the UM for using it's stored internal messages to save him from feeling like an impostor. The problem was that his UM was working on outdated and irrelevant stored data.

So, what could he achieve if he could simply challenge his internal stored data and rewrite his internal messaging?

Simon could not believe how fast his UM took him back to that formative place in his younger years. His young sense of self had been royally trashed by a clumsy teacher, who shall remain nameless.

He was visibly elated as we rapidly shifted those negative beliefs, freeing him up to believe in the competent person he is today.

I bagged the first feature film job that I was put forward for and am currently shooting it. I'm a completely different person to who I was before we spoke and for that I thank you!! Simon Stolland

Stop feeling like an impostor

Challenge where the unhelpful thoughts have come from.

This can be tough if they are deeply rooted in your UM. With professional help, you can free them up really quickly.

Celebrate your achievements, however small you believe them to be.

Your UM needs to be reminded over and over that you are good enough.

Acknowledge that you have and will make mistakes.

Mistakes are a way of life, so learn from them. What could you do differently?

Seek validation.

Create a trusted validation tribe who will give you positive and encouraging feedback.

YOU ARE HUMAN!

Humans are perfectly imperfect and we all screw up. Stop that relentless and thankless task in seeking perfection. Cut yourself some slack and move on.

Suggested reading material

There are numerous books about impostor syndrome and how to stop feeling like an impostor. Here are a few which are simply written with a powerful message.

The Chimp Paradox - Prof Steve Peters

The Imposter Cure - Dr.Jessamy Hibberd

You are a Badass - Jan Sincero

Help! My partner is a narcissist!

Thu, 22 Feb 2024 00:00:00 +0000

People with narcissistic traits are not necessarily narcissists. So, before you say with conviction "Help! My partner is a narcissist!" it is helpful to understand that narcissists are suffering from a diagnosable, mental health condition. They will have certain behaviours such as an inflated sense of their unique self, grandiosity. fantasising over achieving boundless success, a total lack of empathy and constant need for acknowledgment and admiration.

Either way, it's a challenge trying to maintain a relationship with someone who isn't necessarily a diagnosed narcissist, but someone who displays narcissist behaviour.

You are being talked down to and treated like a child
Your partner is sociable and charismatic with anyone else but you (apart from when your relationship is new)
Your partner will blame you or others for their mistakes
You may be called names and verbally abused
Your opinion or any criticism won't be accepted
You may be drawn into triangulation (your partner engages a third party to support their version of things)
Your goalposts for gaining affection will continually shift
Your partner will hold a grudge and seek revenge if you go against them
Your partner may gaslight you (falsifying their account of events to throw doubt on your recollect)
You will constantly be admiring and bolstering your partners ego

You may eventually be isolated and cut off from any outside support

Narcissistic behaviour is abuse and there is no doubt that it only gets worse if you stay around to allow it to continue. This isn't to say that the abuser is the stronger or more intelligent one. It is a control thing whereby the abuser gains strength from using coercive control and manipulative behaviour.

Case study

Dr. K is a successful clinician who had her life at her feet. She is known for her empathetic manner and clinical experience as a paediatrician. She was approaching 40 years of age when she started dating online. She was so happy when she met a handsome, well groomed, personable man. He was fun to be, showered her with attention and gifts. She and Oscar (not his real name) started dating and she felt she had won the jackpot.

She didn't overly question why this man had a string of failed relationships, all of which he blamed on his ex partners. He said that they didn't understand him or support his dreams to become an amazing entrepreneur. He claimed that he lived in his modest, shared flat so as to give his ex partner a good payoff.

Dating led to living together, at which point, there was a shift in relationship dynamics. K would come home from a long shift to find Oscar video calling his female friends, glass of wine in hand and dressed to impress. He would dismiss K's questions as trivial and say that she was imagining stuff. He started to tell her that she used to be fun and that he felt she didn't love him enough.

So started K's slide into being the victim of Oscars narcissistic behaviour.

When they had been together for a few years, K realised that this was not the relationship she had craved, but she now felt ashamed. She felt ashamed that she was allowing this man to control her and belittle her. So, she didn't seek help until he started antagonising her and then filming her rage as she responded. She felt out of control while he had manipulated all of the control.

One day I got a call from a women who was sobbing and saying she needed to talk. She had read about other people showing signs of Oscars behaviour and simply said "Help! My partner is a narcissist."

The realisation had dawned on her that nothing she did would improve things with this man. In fact, my mission was to work with her and enable her to rejuvenate her self belief.

We worked through:

How she came to believe that his version of her was the true version.
How she allowed this behaviour to continue (contentious but there is a choice there, however bad the choice is)
What values drive her forward
What boundaries would she like to put in place
How she is going to practice self care in her life from now

The person with narcissistic traits will see themselves as number 1, but that is fragile as it relies on having a number 2 or 3 or more.

If you think that your partner is a narcissist, talk to someone and explore how you can build up your own self belief system. Remember, this isn't about the other person, this is about you

How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you Rupi Kaur

How to Boost Your Self Confidence

Thu, 04 Apr 2024 00:00:00 +0000

Self confidence plays a huge part in how you live your life and how you behave in certain situations. You may feel as though you've got it together and then something happens to knock you. A careless word from someone or harsh feedback can leave you feeling really low. Comparing yourself to others can also be really damaging to your sense of self.

A lack of self confidence can make or break a situation. It can completely dismantle a goal and leave you feeling stressed, frustrated and angry. Sadly, your anger is often turned on other people too, which adds to your feeling of being out of control.

The bad news is that a lack of self confidence affects most people at some time in their life. The good news is that there are plenty of self help and external therapies around. You don't have to be saddled with a lack of self confidence!

How to boost your self confidence.

You may not know it but there is a remedy which is outstanding! NLP is a game changer for boosting self confidence.

NLP (neuro linguistic programming) was devised in the 1970s as an alternative to mainstream psychotherapy by Richard Bandler and John Grinder. They worked out that human experience is influenced by neurology, language and programming. This is how you see, hear, feel your eternal and internal messages and how you interpret and respond to them.

Firstly try these questions (and don't overthink them!)

When did you first notice a dip in your sense of self confidence?

Life events can build or break confidence very quickly.

Has a single event contributed to you feeling this?

Maybe you felt ok and then you believe someone said or did something to kick your self confidence

Has your general behaviour changed?

Eg. avoiding certain situations or groups of people.

Have you adopted any coping mechanisms?

Drinking, hiding away, not going for that career move, eating unhealthily, sleeplessness, sleeping long hours

Do you act differently with anyone specific?

Putting on a front is really common.

Do you think people are acting differently with you?

Feeling unsure around certain people can lead you to believe they are acting inauthentically.

Have you noticed any recurring negative thoughts?

Negative thoughts can get caught on a mind loop of rinse and repeat.

How do you feel you fit in with your current social circle?

Friends and family can unintentionally feed into our fears.

Are you noticing a change in your work dynamics?

Work can be seen as a safe place or one of insecurity and uncertainty of your worth.

How do you usually react to criticism or feedback?

Feedback can be difficult to swallow and can deplete your confidence.

Have you tried any other remedy?

There are lots of self help interventions, however NLP is the ultimate boost for self confidence.

How much would you like regain your sense of self?

"No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent" Eleanor Roosevelt

Anchor your confidence

As easy as it is to go back to situations which you feel have robbed you of your self confidence, you can recreate a situation where you felt good.

Close your eyes (optional) and bring to mind a time where you felt amazing, confident and unstoppable.

Who was there with you?

What were you wearing?

What can you see as you look around?

Can you hear anything?

How would you describe the feeling inside?

Imagine you have a superpower control and dial up the feelings until you feel ecstatic.

Hold that thought and keep with it.

Now wrap your finger and thumb around your other wrist. or touch one of your knuckles. This will be your anchor.

Each time you feel your confidence slipping, just touch your anchor and bring to mind your confident you. It takes practice but the rewards are worthwhile.

Challenge your limiting beliefs

Beneath a lack of self confidence is a negative belief about yourself. This belief will have been planted may years ago, probably in childhood. Once we root this out, your self confidence can grow. The tricky part can be that you may not consciously recall when you first believed your negative belief. It's worth having a go, so let's try!

if your self confidence takes a dip when you are in a group of strangers. Ask yourself:

What was I feeling about myself when this happened?

Who or what was I trying to measure up to?

What messaging was I getting back from the person or people?

Where exactly did this messaging come from, or was it internal?

Write down how you're feeling at this moment and now pick it apart.

Ask yourself "How and when exactly did I decide I'm not confident?"

Once you've written everything down, look at it objectively and see what truth is there. Were you actually told this limiting belief, or did you construct it? How many times has this belief been challenged?

Think of every single time where you didn't really believe this belief, but accepted it out of habit? It's as easy to think good of yourself as to think less than good about yourself.

"A belief isnt truth its simply a belief"

Increase your competence

You probably don't feel a lack of confidence when you're making a cup of coffee or cleaning your teeth! Things you do as habit become firmly ingrained in your unconscious mind. It is when you are aware of doing something new, or being among new company that you start to lose confidence.

There are some techniques which will help you to increase your competence, therefore increasing your confidence.

Make sure you've set achievable goals. Your self confidence needs to be fed not defeated!
Educate yourself. If you don't know something, learn. This has a real positive impact on self confidence.
Practice what you know. The unconscious mind needs constant repetition to install habits, good or bad.
Ask people you trust for feedback. Accepting and using feedback is useful in your confidence boosting journey.
Celebrate your wins. It's easy to dampen your achievements, but this sends out the wrong message to your unconscious mind.
Setting affirmations and repeating them out loud can bring a surge in self confidence.
Wearing an invisible label reminds you of all of the benefits. Choosing who you want to be is the ultimate control dial up for self confidence.

Jules' journal

How Can I Get Rid Of My Stress?

How can I get rid of my stress?

Time Line Therapy®️

WHAT ARE YOUR NEGATIVE EMOTIONS TIED UP WITH?

TIME LINE THERAPY® CHEAT SHEET

How have your negative emotions got in the way of your life?

How much do you want to be free of unwarranted ANGER SADNESS FEAR HURT AND GUILT?

What would it mean for you to ditch all of those crushing beliefs which are holding you back?

How quickly do you want you can get rid of negative stuff you’ve collected throughout your life?

How to Supercharge your Self Belief System

How to Supercharge your Self Belief System

How to Supercharge your Self Belief System

It is time to open your personal owners manual for the mind and get to work!

You have two memory barcodes which feel equally compelling. Which one do you want to keep?

Step into a New You in Just One Weekend

Do you want some good news? Well, if you are a medic, or know a medic, we have some great news!

FRIDAY 14th OCTOBER-SUNDAY 16th OCTOBER 2022

Bereavement & Loss Coaching

"I don't think that understanding produces change. Learning produces change."

Resenting What Other People Have

What's behind your smile?

Look into a mirror

Think of that time when you felt amazing

What are you feeling, hearing, seeing?

You want to recreate that amazing time, yes?

What's getting in the way?

What's behind your smile?

What do you want to be behind your smile?

Unclog Your Focus Filter!

"If you hear a voice within you say you cannot paint, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced." Vincent Willem van Goch

OCD behaviours can affect us all

OCD behaviours can include:

“What's Wrong With Me?”

Is your daily life being affected by being in a problem relationship?

This thought can trigger the start of your shift towards change.

Your shift, your change, your life!

Is a gastric band right for me?

6 Tips to Help Survive Christmas

1. Check in with your perspective on how you think Christmas should be.

Are you trying to create something that is unrealistic and unnecessary?

What is driving your mindset? Who are you doing this for?

Does it matter that you didn't get the exact present for someone?

Ask yourself, what is important and what is not.

2. Children will ask for the latest things advertised. You can get plenty of preowned stuff on social media sites. It won't be the end of the world if they don't get what they ask for.

3. Don't go into debt. It is tempting to have now and pay later. Paying for an expensive Christmas gift carries double the stress, if it's causing hardship further on down the line.

4. Resect other people's ideas about Christmas. Not everyone celebrates this and that's fine too. Some of my family have different religious and political beliefs. We park this and just get together as a family.

5. Take some time out for yourself if you're living with a number of people. If physical space doesn't allow for much distance, use a pair of earphones and some calming music. Maybe read a book or lie quietly for a while.

6. Be kind to yourself and breathe. It soon will pass and hopefully you will come through unscathed and having had a good time.

Merry Christmas

How Can I Stick To My New Year Resolutions?

HAPPY NEW YEARS SUCCESS WITH YOUR RESOLUTIONS

Standing Still Is Making A Choice

She then said "Standing still is making a choice."

"Beliefs aren't about truth. Beliefs are about believing. They are guides for our behaviour." Richard Bandler

How To Ditch Your Guilt And Move On

Is guilt holding you back from living your best life?

You've hurt someone's feelings and you're feeling guilty.

You're doing something for yourself and its not sitting comfortably with you.

You feel that you are in a privileged position and you're feeling uneasy.

You've acted dishonestly and it's staying with you.

Your actions caused unhappiness with others.

You are having negative thoughts about someone close to you.

You've made a life choice which negatively impacts on those people close to you.

Hanging on to guilt does absolutely nothing to improve the situation. Struggling to deal with the negative feelings it brings, can lead to believing the worst type of negative stuff about yourself.

None of the above is good for you, so how about letting go?

"No amount of guilt can change the past and no amount of worrying can change the future" Umar ibn Al-Khattab

How to Supercharge Your Self Belief System

How to Supercharge your Self Belief System

STOP NOW!

Where are these negative thoughts coming from? Have you considered that you're running your negative self belief programme on out of date information?

You probably can't recall the exact moment when you first decided this negative stuff to be true. But here you are, years later, doing a great job of beating yourself up by continually gathering evidence to support your feeling of worthlessness.

STOP NOW!

Now, bring to mind your star-spangled, at the top of your game, most amazing "I am the very best!" thought and repeat the questions. When you've done you will have 2 pictures with 2 sets of answers, bad and good.

You have successfully reprogrammed your thoughts. Well done!

"If you can change your mind, you can change your life"

How To Fix Your Midlife Crisis Fast

How to create positive mindset fast

What is a positive mindset and how do you create a positive mindset?

"If you are positive, you'll see opportunities instead of obstacles" Confucius